I feel trapped. Like a butterfly in a cocoon, a lion in a cage.
I know deep down that I want desperately to write everything in my head. But I’m fearful.
Fearful that I can’t dedicate the time any more to make this good. Worried that people in my “real life” will find out and think of me differently – will I be labelled as an oversharer? What is the point in a blog? Who do I think I am posting my life online? Who even cares about my life anyway?
Recently I’ve ignored the tiny space on the internet that I lovingly created and crafted on maternity leave back in 2011 – and got quite good at (I was shortlisted for an award you know!) In truth, I’ve found it exceptionally hard since going back to work to carry on.
My days are, quite simply, full. It’s only during times like these few days between Christmas and New Year where I can pull my head up and review the past year. Only I’ve got very little to go on as there’s just tumbleweed blowing about on here.
I’m in awe of other more established bloggers, many of whom have started and excelled in the time I’ve been blithering about over here. How do they do it?
For one thing, I genuinely struggle to find the time, but also I’m deep down worried about people judging what I do and my decisions and pigeonholing me into the stereotype of a bragging blogger Mum.
It has also been harder since Elliot started at school, we’re now in a new community of school mums and I don’t want to come across as an oversharer, or be consided to be bragging about my life and my children.
I also worry about what the boys will think when they’re older. Will they understand that I captured all of this for them? Will they forgive the absence of memories captured here from the past couple of years? Alexander turned 3 and Elliot was 6 (6!) this month. They’re growing up fast and I’m not capturing it at all, apart from some grainy photos on my phone.
All I know is that I just want to write about my family. So what do I do? Carry on writing here? Create a new, anonymous, space, or give up and write it all in a private blog or a good old fashioned diary??
Who knows? I’m hoping 2017 will have the answer. 2015 and 2016 have largely been absent from this little blog of mine and it’s time for that to change.
The only one who can make that change is me. Time to be a bit braver me thinks!