March 27, 2014 by Elliotandme

Parenting without the guilt?

One of the things that new parents, particularly mums apparently, are often surprised by is the amount of guilt that comes with the parenting territory. It comes along right when you’re least expecting, and the accompanying physical feeling of having all the wind taken forcibly out of your lungs is really something to be feared. Experts tell us that guilt arises when we become aware of failing to be the best we could have been for our children (normally right when you’ve just yelled at them for no specific reason other than being the sole adult with them for 8 straight hours!)

On any given day, the following things can make me feel like my stomach is about to flip right over with guilt:

Sending my toddler off to childcare. In our house, Elliot spends two days a week in pre-school, and a further day with each set of grandparents. This means I only look after both my children together on one day a week. Up to now this has worked really well. As I am currently on maternity leave from my four-day-a-week job, Alexander gets my full attention (when I’m not writing blog posts or cleaning the house) for the time that Elliot is away, which is what Elliot had at the same age. Elliot gets to spend time with other children and also with his grandparents – something I loved as a child, and an opportunity for them to spend time with him also. More often than not, I spend part of the day he’s at my parents with them all, so it’s only really three days that Elliot isn’t with me. Still the sight of a crying toddler who wants to “stay with mummy” being bundled into a car and probably arousing suspicion of kidnap among our neighbours on at least two mornings out of every week is tough.
The variety (or more accurately the lack of variety) in my toddler’s diet. To get him to eat any sort of vegetable that isn’t hidden (thank you Annabel Karmel) in a sauce or pie is nigh on impossible and is normally accompanied by all sorts of excuses ranging from “I don’t like it” to “I’m too tired” or the standard “mummy, I’ll do it tomorrow” (by the way tomorrow, when it comes, is going to be an amazing day in our house!) The crazy child also turns his nose up at previous staples like bananas and blueberries. Weird! Despite knowing that it’s a phase, and my child will more than likely voluntarily eat some form of vegetable at some point in the future, I do look at other kids happily munching on carrot sticks/ cherry tomatoes/ broccoli trees and feel all sorts of guilt.
Handing over parenting responsibilities to technology for anything over 20 minutes a day. I feel so proud if I can make it for a whole morning or afternoon without giving in to the demands of “can I have your phone/ipad?” And the truth is, as well as watching endless ridiculous videos of Thomas and his friends being covered with or built out of PlayDoh (something he is desperate to recreate at home, and that I’ve so far avoided!) he also spends time tracing letter forms, watching shows on iplayer like The Lingo ?Show, and drawing pictures on any number of art apps which isn’t too bad. The fact that he knows how to launch youtube, press search, and type in “Thomas” to find his programmes makes me feel pretty guilty. (Though I did have a moment of pride recently when he showed me that he was trying to search for Abney and Teal (yes, another TV programme) and he’d got as far as “abnet and tyal” – clever boy!)

Thankfully a quick google search reveals that all this guilt may not actually be such a bad thing.

For most of us a moderate amount of guilt is actually a sign of love, our strong attachment and commitment to do the best we can to raise healthy children. [Psychology Today “Are you a guilty parent?” Sept, 2011]

Well that’s a relief! Maybe the only thing we’re guilty of is loving our children and wanting to do the best for them. That’s no bad thing really!

Now you’ll have to excuse me, I’m off to buy more colours of PlayDoh so I can finally give in to those demands to build engines! Wish me luck!

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March 10, 2014 by Elliotandme

Siblings – March

I’ve cheated a little with the Siblings project this month, as the photos aren’t just of the boys. We’ve been trying to photograph us all together as a family, and the selfies we ended up with are so funny I thought these should be the photos I’d use.

The boys are definitely getting more used to each other now. Ignoring a recent unfortunate incident with a toy engine (Diesel 10 for anyone interested in engines) and Alexander’s head (!) Elliot is generally very kind towards Alexander, and is always comforting him whenever her cries. He gave him one of his precious muslin squares this week when Alex was crying waiting for me to open the front door and can often be heard saying “it’s okay Alexander, mummy’s coming” It’s enough to make my heart melt a little…

These three months seem to have flown by and I can’t believe we’re on month three of this project. It’s scary really. Hope 2014 slows down a little now the spring is finally making an appearance. For now I’m going to make a cup of tea and check out the other Siblings posts for this month. To do the same, click on the icon below (it won’t make you a cuppa but they’re good reads!)

See my other Siblings posts:

January
February

March 7, 2014 by Elliotandme

A letter to my children on sleep, or the lack of

To my beautiful sons,

I’m sure you’re right in your current belief that mummy was getting a bit too much sleep lately. After all, being woken every three hours to feed a newborn is almost the same as the halcyon days of getting 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep pre-children (a time which I now believe is actually just fictional)

I’m sure you’re just thinking that waking so infrequently could have been said to have been getting a bit dull, so your exercise this past week of “let’s wake the big ones more often” has been especially welcome. It’s been interesting to see the world through the sleepy fug that waking every hour brings, so thanks for that!

I have to say that I really think it’s great how the two of you are developing a sense of team work so early in your sibling relationship. You have clearly devised a plan between you to make sure that you’re not both awake at the same time so you both get to benefit from some one-to-one parent time, and I’m sure the worlds greatest mathematicians would be interested in how you’ve worked out the optimal time between wakings:

For those that are interested this works out as:
Time of your brother returning to bed/sleep + 32 minutes (approximately the time it takes mummy to become completely settled, warm and cosy under the duvet and be drifting off to a lovely sleep)

3 year old, I think you’re doing especially well at this given that before the baby came along you were sleeping through routinely and not waking at all, so you must have had to work hard to get into the new routine of night waking and crying. And let me take this opportunity to say that I totally agree with your many and varied stated reasons for waking up. My favourites from the past few days include “I don’t need anything, I just wanted to see you”, and “I don’t want orange juice” (none was being offered, it was 2am)

And to you, littlest one, I must say I really appreciate how you’ve waited until you’re almost 12 weeks old to experiment with waking more often. After all, knowing that you CAN go 4 or even 5 hours between feeds at night makes it even more delightful when I get to see your beautiful face more often than that. I know this is just a recent experiment, but I think we’ll all be happier (or is that just me?!) when you go back to your lovely blissful previous routine.

So, my darling children, thank you for your consideration and thoughtfulness, but I think maybe we should try to see each other a bit less between the hours of 7pm to 7am. It’s not you, it’s me, and to be honest that way you’ll have a much nicer set of parents the rest of the time. Deal?

Trying to win me over with his “I love Mummy” t shirt whilst sleeping LIKE A LOG during the day!

March 3, 2014 by Elliotandme

Being a mum of two, or how to develop a stretchy heart

Going from one to two children is a big step for most parents. Certainly during my pregnancy with Alexander people seemed to like to tell me horror stories of their lives with two children and how difficult/stressful/tiring it is. Some even looked at my growing bump and said “ooh, you’ll wish you’d stuck with one!”

We had been so lucky with Elliot, he was a relatively easy baby, and slept, ate and grew well, seemed to hit all development milestones pretty much when he was meant to (though was late walking, and don’t even ask about potty training!) He is now an easy going toddler, and is (mostly!) a joy to be around.

As we got closer to Alexander’s birth, I did start to wonder about whether we had made the right decision. Elliot was going through a really cute phase of coming in to our room in the mornings, to climb in to the middle of the bed and cuddle/play with the iPad. It was a lovely way to wake up and I just knew that was going to be difficult with a newborn.

I worried about how I would cope with the two of them on the days I’d have both on my own. Elliot had developed the three year old whine (for the uninitiated this is a very specific, monotone whine, which seems to go on for ages prompted by the smallest of incidents!) and I couldn’t fathom how I’d be able to rationally persuade him to stop whilst keeping a newborn asleep. How would I occupy a three year old during those long feeds that a newborn needs? And more importantly, how could I ever love another child as much as I loved my firstborn?

It turns out, like with many things, there was no need to worry at all. It really hasn’t been that difficult. We’re 11 weeks in, that’s nearly 3 months, and I can’t think of a single incident where we’ve felt like it’s all too much *touches wood*

What I’ve realised is to a large extent newborns are rather dull. Ours is anyway (sorry Alexander!) Until recently his routine tended to follow the sleep, feed, poo, sleep circle. Over the last couple of weeks we’ve had more awake time, where he loves playing on his playmat, watching Elliot/whoever is around or staring at his hands!

Newborns can be left waiting (within reason) which is something that first time mums rarely attempt. Alexander often has to wait if we’re trying to get Elliot to finish his tea, or if Elliot wants to have help with building a “fantastic track”, and do you know what, he really doesn’t seem to mind. I tend to vocalise this to Elliot “Alexander has to wait while mummy helps you Elliot, isn’t he doing well?” so that he realises that Alexander isn’t taking first priority all the time.

We’ve had no tantrums from Elliot relating to Alexander, he genuinely seems to like him, and though the whining is still there and occasionally gets pretty loud and high pitched, Alexander seems to have been born with an ability to sleep through anything (again something that as a first time mum I don’t think I realised!) and I don’t get as cross as I had imagined I would.

I’ve also learnt that I am able to survive on less sleep than I thought possible. There are many nights where, between them, the boys wake us every hour or two, but this doesn’t seem too difficult. Certainly not as tough as the first few weeks with Elliot. (That’s not to say I don’t enjoy the weekend lie in when it comes!)

The main difference I’ve found is a lack of “me time”, I used to enjoy a few minutes peace while Chris bathed Elliot, but I’m now occupied with putting Alexander to bed. We’re also honing our super-organised skills to make sure we have everything that both children need whenever we go out.

Of course I really needn’t have worried at all about how I would find space in my heart to love another baby. Literally the moment Alexander was placed in my arms my heart stretched to fit him in, and to my delight I found that somewhere in there resides a whole other pot of love dedicated to him. This doesn’t detract from the love I have for Elliot, if anything I love my amazing three year old even more as he’s coped so well with being a big brother. My heart swells when I see him playing with Alexander. Being a mum to two is not a walk in the park, but it really is the most amazing thing.

February 24, 2014 by Elliotandme

Trying something new

Like many three year olds, Elliot has very set ideas about what he likes and dislikes – from what he eats, to what he wears, what he plays with and where he wants to go. Normally this is expressed through the medium of repeated “NO! I don’t want that!” and much whining.

As enjoyable as this is for two parents to experience multiple times a day, we have started to tire of constantly negotiating at dinner time and while getting him dressed. We’ve also spent money on a scooter, which he said he wanted for his birthday and has been on for approximately 2 minutes since December!

So, in a rare moment of inspiration, I devised a plan to expand his horizons slightly – an Elliot tried something new sticker chart! With the reward of an engine of his choice once he reaches 10 stickers. I bought some space stickers ages ago, and found some black card in a drawer. Along with a white colouring pencil, we were good to go.

Stickers are being given for trying new foods – so far this has covered vegetables at nursery, cheddar cheese, and tuna (that he’d forgotten he likes!), and also for trying out new experiences – so far trampolining and going down the big slide at the soft play centre, crossing a wobbly bridge at the playground, and going high on the swing.

The idea is to initially be very generous with stickers, so he gets a sticker most days for doing something new or different, in order that this becomes something that he can trust and that we get to the first big reward fairly quickly, as once he’s got that, I think that will encourage him to try even more.

The stickers are not linked to behaviour. He gets a sticker for trying new things regardless of behaviour during the day, and they are not given purely for good behaviour (that’s expected anyway) and certainly are never taken away, as I didn’t want him to associate this with anything negative.

It seems to be working, as Elliot does seem more adventurous at the moment. He got so excited crossing the “shake shake” bridge, and bouncing on the trampoline, knowing that he was going to get a sticker. I really think he is enjoying finding out that all these things he had avoided are actually quite fun. We’ve still a way to go with food especially so I think we’ll continue with these once the first engine has been rewarded.

Elliot even gave me a sticker yesterday at dinner time. He wanted some more pasta so I gave him some from my plate. He then said “thank you mummy, that is very kind of you. You can have a sticker too!”

We are currently at the end of week two, and are one sticker away from 10. Exciting times!

I feel like I’ve been given many reward stickers myself this week, as that this blog has been nominated for a MAD Blog Award in the Family Fun, Pregnancy, Baby, Best Writer and Blog of the Year categories. I’m under no illusions that I’d ever win one of these, but if you don’t ask you don’t get right, so if you’d like to nominate me, I’d be really really grateful.